The most recent victim of TAPS held out for a remarkably long time even as countless visitors flocked to the remote monument at the base of Mönkhairhan Mountain  (eternal holy mountain)(https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mönkhkhairkhan_Mountain) since the beginning of the TAPS pandemic in the hopes that it’s healing emissions would cure or delay the progression of their illness. That’s right. The natural geyser properly known as Priapus’ Spear, though no one calls it that, is sick. While the shimmering shaft, the sacred knobelisk, the gigglestick geyser has failed to treat TAPS, it is apparently vulnerable to it. Officials say the first sign was when, for presumably the first time in thousands or even millions of years, Bowies bedazzled bulge released its payload prematurely, waiting only 13 and half days, rather than the consistent as clockwork 69, and disappointing countless sojourners that had already made travel arrangements. The diamond dong’s dysfunction did not end there however, as after an abnormally long refractory period, waiting just under double the normal 69 to blow, the crystal crank froze in time mid eruption. The piping hot calcium rich waters are now permanently suspended above the fulgent phallus.

Manmade mammoth mock cocks from around the world erected in emulation of earth’s rock hard hard-on, the tallest and thickest natural geyser in the world, are being closed off from the public. Notably Brazil’s Emerald Erection, Paris France’s Ruby Rod, and Sri Lanka’s Sapphire Schlong, or Sisnaya Sphaṭika in the native Sinhala language have been isolated.

Priapus’ Spear is one of the world's best-known examples of this type of geyser. Geysers often are co-located with other geothermal features, such as hot springs, mudpots, and fumaroles (an opening in or near a volcano, through which hot sulfurous gases emerge.) Priapus’ Fumarole better known as “Arshi’s taint” after the Mongolian god of fire and shamanic rituals is similarly constipated.

A geyser requires three critical elements in order to form: a water supply, a heat source, and the proper kind of underground water circulation system. If only two of these three components are present, different features will form. For instance, if plenty of water is available but not much heat, a hot pool can form. If plenty of water and also plenty of heat exist, but not the proper kind of plumbing system, then a boiling hot spring commonly forms. Although there are many places in the world where hot springs can be found, geysers are extremely rare, largely due to the three specific requirements for their formation. While the effects of one stopped up geyser may have only a very minor effect on the ecosystem outside of its region, scientists are alarmed and concerned about the precedent set by inanimate objects and regions of space no longer being simply carriers, but actively infected with TAPS. Also unclear is whether the infection will spread to other regions. If so, how deep does the erstwhile fertility symbol’s plumbing penetrate into the earth, and would this officially qualify TAPS as an STI?

Concerned officials of the PUF operated capital Ulaanbaatar, and the official caretakers of the natural wonder are in a standoff. Officials intend to stump the offending protuberance by taking steel saws or high powered lasers to its base before blasting it into space.

The caretakers of the wonder wang as well as the temple atop Mönkhairhan Mountain are a conservationist subsidiary of Mizkan holdings. The over 250 year old company, the largest producer of vinegar, tea, specialty cheeses and condiments, and owner of the popular four monks cleaning product line, have demanded the site be preserved, citing its historical and religious significance, as well as the risk of the spear being mishandled, the philanthropic megacorp argues that the entire Chinese Mongolian region has been under the sacred law of “first foot” (land claims being decided by proof of earliest settlement) since prehistory. First foot was codified in law in 1642 coincidentally by the famous philosophers and lawmakers that subsequently became the famous painters and monks of China also known as “the four monks”, no relation.